WHEN MY MOTHER DIED in an automobile accident the week before Christmas. I found grief to be a painful process, but I also learned that God can bring healing to a broken heart. Let me share with you how that happen:

 I    First of all, God heals through the use of time

Time heals! It’s true…it does. God works and uses time to heal things over. The loss of a loved one to death is a kind of “emotional amputation.” A real part of you is gone and it is hard to get used to the idea of that. You have read of people, for example, who have a leg amputated, but still feel an itch in the foot that is no longer there. The brain has not adapted to the fact that the leg and foot are no longer there. In time, the brain adapts itself to the absence of the leg. But this does not occur at once; it is a slow process; it takes time.

In like manner, the “emotional amputation” involved in the grief is a JOURNEY, a pilgrimage, something we “pass through…”

The Psalmist spoke of “going through the valley of the shadow” and Jesus spoke of the strength that comes from “going through mourning.” Grief is a journey…and it takes time to make the pilgrimage, because there are certain stages we have to pass through along the way.

If we can recognize the stages of grief, it makes the journey easier. Here they are:

First, there is a NUMBNESS, a rather intriguing mixture of shock and strength…almost as if God anesthetizes us to get us through those first difficult hours and days.

Next, there is the stage of EXPRESSED EMOTIONS. I went through a period briefly when I could do fine until I would see somebody I love…seeing or hearing from somebody I love would make my eyes well up with tears and my voice choke away to nothing. There is a period when you need to cry it out, work it out, talk it out.

Then comes what I call EXISTENTIAL LONELINESS. The relationship is unique” “No one feel it quite like I do…” No one can do it for you. You have to walk the valley alone…and yet not alone…the Father is with you…His family…His children are with you.

There is also a period of QUESTIONING…Why? Why did this have to happen? If only the car had been 10 seconds earlier or five seconds later…scant seconds either way and it wouldn’t have happened.

Then, of course, the GUILT STATE…Why didn’t I call more often? Why didn’t I visit more often? Why didn’t I write more often? Why didn’t I say, “I love you,” more often?

Finally, there is the RETURN TO REALITY…the strength to pick up and go on with life…to be able to go on…that is the mark of faith and of victory…and, listen…it is the finest tribute we can pay to the one whose loss we mourn. The greatest tribute we can pay to that person is to go on with life.

You see, grief is a journey, a journey with specific stages to pass through…a journey that takes time and as we move through the valley, God anoints us in His own time…in his own special way… with the balm of healing. So, first, God heals with TIME.

II  Secondly, God heals the hurt heart through the “Love and Support
of People”

Our love of friends and family in time of sorrow sustains and inspires us. We feel the touch of God. Acts of love, letters, flowers, telegrams, gifts, calls, kind words, tender handshakes, gentle hugs, visits and most of all…your prayers…sustain us.

III   Also, God brings healing through “Truth Gathering”

The hardest thing about my mother’s death was the “suddenness” of it, but along side that was the uncertainty…being so far away and not knowing exactly what happened…and wanting desperately to know. I don’t know if this would be the case for everybody, but I found myself hungry for every detail of information. What happened? What caused the accident? Where did it occur? How did death come? Was anyone else hurt? How quickly did the ambulance get there? What was the weather like? What were the streets like? What exactly did the doctors say?

The gathering of this information seemed to help me…I don’t know why…but as I thought of that I remembered that verse of scripture: “The truth shall set you free!”

IV    God heals our sorrow also through the gift of “Memory”

The gift of memory…a wonderful gift of God. Every time I see a “sugar cookie” I will remember my mother and her love for her grandchildren. She knew how much the grandchildren loved sugar cookies and she always had a big supply on hand for them. I cherish that kind of memory. It reminds me of her love and thoughtfulness.

I will also always cherish the fact that the last three things I know of that my mother did were acts of thoughtfulness and kindness towards others.

At the time of the accident she was trying to help a friend…trying to be a good neighbor…she died as she lived…thinking of others. On the Sunday night before the accident, she was supposed to go caroling with friends from the church, but instead stayed behind to care for a little boy who got sick so the boy’s parents could go to the caroling party. She said, “I can’t sing much anyway.” And then…on the morning after the accident…the morning after her death…a tender moment for us, we received in the mail our Christmas gifts from her…thoughtfully selected…carefully wrapped…lovingly prepared. Memories to hold on to…memories to cherish…memories through which God brings healing.

V    Healing comes though “Faith”

God is on both sides of the grave. Death is a movement from one dimension of life to a deeper dimension of life with God. God loves you and has prepared a place for you. God is the Good Shepherd who accompanies us on our walk through the valley of the shadow of death without fear.

In some ways it is hard to love a loved one at Christmas…but on the other hand the message of Christmas is our hope…our glad tidings of comfort and joy…our . In Matthew’s Christmas story, he captures it in one word…“Emmanuel”…which means “God is with us.” Christ came to underscore this “ of great joy”…namely, that God is love and God is with us. Nothing can separate us from God…not even death!

That is our faith…that is God’s promise…that is the message of Christmas…EMMANUEL…God is with us!

Now, let me conclude with two quick observations …

Observation 1

We need to keep up-to-date on our relationships. This week a close friend of mine came by to see me. He said. “Jim, I had to talk with you today to tell you how much you and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers…and also to tell you that the accident has jolted me dramatically. I don’t know whether it’s because of our close friendship or because we are about the same age or because I am so close to my mother…but your experience has touched me deeply. It has reminded me how important it is that we keep “up-to-date.” Now, I misunderstood him. I thought he meant keeping up-to-date with business matters…like a will, insurance policies and things like that…but no, he said, “That’s important but not what I’m talking about…we need to keep up-to-date on our relationships. We never know what may happen…or how suddenly…we need to keep up-to-date on our relationships with our church…and with God.” He is so right!

Observation 2

We must go forward. When someone we love dies, we must go on. Like riding a bicycle, the only way to keep your balance is to go forward…if you stand still, you topple over. In the Gospels, when Jesus heals people sometimes He says something like this:

“Go your way…Your faith has made you whole.” Let me paraphrase Him: “Go your way. Go forward. Go on with life…I will go with you…and as you go, your faith will make you whole!”